Becoming physically disabled to the point of needing mobility aids to get from point A to point B has obviously impacted my life in several ways. Me saying that alone is probably fucking obvious. However I doubt able bodied people realize how pervasive this is.
I spend most of my days in my apartment with my cat. I go out for therapy and to go to the doctors. I try to save my energy, or my spoons as many people call them, for things that actually matter to me. I would rather have the ability to go thrifting once in awhile or go swimming at the lake rather than go shopping at the grocery store, so I pick up my groceries. Yeah, remember that from high Covid times? I still do that.
The thing is, while objectively, my life sort of fucking sucks, and I realize this, I’m honestly pretty used to it and I try not to throw my pity parties outwardly in the presence of anyone but me, myself, and my partners. The thing is, trying to meet anyone new, make any friends, or just casually talk on discord, the topic comes up pretty quickly.
Yes, I don’t really touch grass very often. Yeah, it kinda sucks. Etc etc.
It makes me feel like I need to avoid talking about myself or my personal life at all, in fear of, gasp, everyone’s pity, which I do not need and did not ask for. It highlights how abnormal I am because of something I can’t control and only further isolates me from others. I think people are borderline allergic to things that make them uncomfortable, and avoid it at all costs. My disability, the act of me just existing, is an uncomfortable topic for some, and I’m expected to take responsibility for it. Most likely by shutting up and not talking about how crippled I am.
I’ve been thinking a lot about this, but I straight up don’t know what to do about it. The social rebel part of my brain just wants to keep talking about my life casually and ignore other people’s discomfort. After all, their discomfort really isn’t any of my business, right? However, sometimes I actually want to have friends to hang out with on the days where I do want to exist outside of my apartment. I want to go to art museums and go on walks in the park (more like rolls, because I’d be using my rollator, get it?) and having potential friends not write me off immediately as someone who doesn’t know how to keep their fucking mouth shut? Maybe not a good look. Or maybe I should just expect that real friends won’t… act like this? Or that I can tell them not to pity me and they won’t immediately get mad at me.
Where is the line, as a disabled person, between being empowered and unashamed vs being socially acceptable? Should there be a line? Should I just constantly unapologetically be myself, even at the expense of other people’s comfort, or even enjoyment of my company?
When I figure it out, I’ll let you know.